i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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