Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
