I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
