You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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