I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize