The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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