I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
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