I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
