Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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