goodnight i made you a song goodbye
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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