God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i've created a new STD.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
