dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
