i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
