I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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