First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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