DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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