Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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