i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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