If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
