using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
