no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
