if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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