I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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