after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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