Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
