the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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