I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
