so that wasnt chicken after all
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
