you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
