Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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