I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
