i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
