If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
