Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
