Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
