Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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