why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize