Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
tell your sister to shave her snatch
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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