I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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