I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
