im six kinds of drunk right now
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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