he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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