You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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