I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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