I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
