I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
