Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
