The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
