Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
