Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
