i was born a porn star she said
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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