I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
