She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
