Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
