Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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