I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
