Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
